A Breach of Trust
Trust may begin as a leap of faith, but ultimately it is not a gift. It is something one earns. Communicating is always very important, but is especially critical when there has been a violation of trust. Specific conversations must occur in order to mend a broken trust. The offending partner, especially, needs to demonstrate through unmistakable effort that he or she is committed and it is emotionally safe to be intimate with him or her.
In a time of emotional crisis, it is not easy to talk productively but it is essential. What’s more, the emotional fallout from a broken trust is not usually limited to the offended partner. The offender may also feel badly. Feeling distressed, he or she may react openly and validate the offended partner’s feelings, thereby clearing the way for the breach to be repaired. This is an admirable response but, unfortunately not common. More often, the partner who has violated trust reacts defensively, adding insult to injury. Now the offended partner not only feels hurt and anger, but the sense of betrayal is heightened by denial, distortion or minimizing.
The Talk
Rather than heal the wound of betrayal, the lack of openness by the offender will almost surely erode the trust-base further. The couple will inevitably move toward increased and unproductive conflict, either over the areas directly involved in the source of mistrust – lying or an extramarital involvement, for example – or over a wide range of lesser issues. In either case, the relationship unravels.
The point is that there are two main ways for the offender (and the offended) to make things worse when confronted with a trust violation: One is to continue lying and underplay the breach. The other is to erupt, to emote without restraint. When a couple is having too many conversations with themselves they are probably not having enough with their partner. If they are screaming, hurling insults and looking to vent without concern for the impact, not briefly, but mostly, the relationship will deteriorate.
Some guidelines for constructive discussion:
- Stay on focus. It’s not fair to dredge up mistakes made twenty years ago or complain about how much you hate the in-laws. A fight is not an opportunity to rehash old grievances. Stick to the issue at hand or else the discussion will surely sink from the weight of the problems.
- Define issues. Be clear and specific about the problem. This will help you stay on track.
- Really, listen. Don’t just pause until it’s your turn to speak again, with your mind formulating the next sentences while your partner talks. Being defensive is a sure path to alienation.
- You don’t have to agree, but if you validate a hurt partner’s feelings sincerely, your partner is more likely to feel that you get it. To do otherwise is to risk prolonging the potential healing process. Lie? That would be really stupid!
- Don’t interrupt. You can be angry without being rude or bullying.
- Don’t personalize. Stay with the issue rather than attack the person. Contending that your partner betrayed you in some manner is legitimate, calling your partner names, belittling your partner or otherwise verbally assaulting him or her is not constructive.
Recognize “his” and “her” conflict styles. Men and women have different conflict styles as well as intimacy styles. Respect the differences. A man may, for example, feel emotionally flooded and need a time-out while a woman may view that as withdrawal. If the man reassures her that he is simply taking a few minutes to “regroup” his partner is likely to abide.
About the Author
Joel Block, PhD, author of The 15-Minute Relationship Fix: A Clinically-Proven Strategy That Will Repair And Strengthen Your Love Life, is a clinical psychologist specializing in treating couples, is a diplomat of the American Board of Professional Psychology and an assistant clinical professor of psychology/psychiatry at the Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell. He is a senior psychologist on the staff of the Northwell Health System and a fellow of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Block has written more than twenty books on love and sex, and has had several TV appearances, including national morning news shows.
For more information, please visit www.drblock.com
Joel Block, PhD, author of The 15-Minute Relationship Fix: A Clinically-Proven Strategy That Will Repair And Strengthen Your Love Life, is a clinical psychologist specializing in treating couples, is a diplomate of the American Board of Professional Psychology and an assistant clinical professor of psychology/psychiatry at the Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell. He is a senior psychologist on the staff of the Northwell Health System and a fellow of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Block has written more than twenty books on love and sex, and has had several TV appearances, including national morning news shows.
For more information, please visit www.drblock.com
