There are many reasons why stay at home dads assume the stay at home position. In many cases, the mother is the breadwinner and therefore, the family is financially better off by leaning on her income. In other cases, the father has been injured on the job and hopes to collect on disability while they regain their strength and ability.
For instance, according to Schwartzapfel (fightingforyou.com), a legal team that specializes in helping individuals after construction accidents, “Many people who are injured on the job struggle with what to do while they’re out of work. Often, they are strong enough to take care of their children, but not to return to job that’s physically demanding and strenuous.”
Whatever the case is, today’s stay at home dads are redefining manhood. If you’re considering, or are currently, a stay-at-home dad, here are some tips for handling the role with dignity and ease.
Higher Population of Stay at Home Dads
The first thing you should know is that there are more stay-at-home dads than ever. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2005 there were 98,000 recorded stay-at-home dads. Today, there are over 2 million.
Scott Melzer, sociologist and author of Manhood Impossible, spent many years of his life studying how men react when their masculinity is threatened. He paid particular attention to the psyche of men in stay-at-home roles. In an interview with the Atlantic, he said:
“If you look at younger generations, boys and men just express a much greater desire to prioritize family over work. But because they then encounter workplace cultures, an economic system, and a lack of family leave benefits that discourage them from prioritizing family, the change is slow. Perhaps when we start changing some laws, the U.S. might look more like northern European countries, and it’d be much easier for men to prioritize family a bit more and not feel like they’re failing as men when they make those decisions.”
Help Plan Out Finances
Even if you aren’t the breadwinner, or even have no incoming money, you can still help plan out the finances. This includes keeping track of incoming bills, identifying cost savings opportunities, and speaking with customer service to negotiate payments and terms when necessary. The financial well-being of a family is crucial to making a stay-at-home situation feel successful.
Give Yourself a Pep Talk
Instead of thinking of the stay-at-home dad role as a “failure,” it’s important that you take back the meaning and spin it into something positive. After all, it takes a strong man to be able to assume a role that’s traditionally for women, and to do what’s best for the entire family and not just what’s best for your ego. It also helps to gather resources that can help you work through this transition. Read blogs, purchase books, and reach out to others who may be in similar positions.
Being a stay at home dad can feel especially alienting if you don’t know any other stay-at-home dads. But the best thing to do is to wear your role proudly and unapologetically. Join a Dad Group and get yourself in touch with fathers in the same position. Start by searching for local groups on Meetup.com. You can also find a dad group on the National At-Home Dad Network, or search for a group on Facebook.
Talk About Expectations
Any parent taking care of the kids full-time will quickly learn that it’s not as easy as it looks on the outside. Taking care of children is very much a full-time occupation, and can even feel more strenuous than working with an employer full-time. Naturally, as the person who’s staying at home, you’re expected to be the caregiver and the housekeeper as well. And while it’s perfectly fair to assume the majority of the housework, you can’t do it all yourself. Discuss a schedule where your partner takes on a small share of household management, and also accounts for free time for both parties.
Leave the House
Just because you’re a stay-at-home dad doesn’t mean you have to literally stay at home. In fact, getting kids out of the house can be beneficial for everyone. This doesn’t mean that you have to take an adventure each time. Something as simple as a walk to the park or even just a walk around the block will do. Gather some toys for your front or back yard, and let them play under you watch. And every once in a while, take them to a museum, beach, zoo, etc. On the plus side, with a full day out, they’ll be well-stimulated and tired by the time you come home.
Carve Out Some “Me” Time
Whether you want time to watch a sports game, go to the gym, or catch up with your friends, it’s important to set aside some time for yourself. Talk to your partner about arranging your schedule in a way that makes it easy for both parents to have free time to themselves, and free time as a couple. Reach out to family members to take them for a few hours once a week, or use a reputable site like Sittercity or Care.com to find local babysitters and nannies.
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