Each of us longs to have inspired love and accepted for the person we truly are. There is no better opportunity than our love relationship for us to be fully ourselves. Ironically, since our partner is so central to our life, his or her validation becomes critical and we are inclined to hide our true self. We become guarded from the most important person in our lives.
The soul-baring intimacy and willingness to know and be known that made the beginning of love so passionate and exciting becomes simply functional. It is replaced with feelings of apprehension and guardedness. Over time we move from a passionate open relationship to one that is quietly cautious. It may work as a partnership, but the spark of the early years is down to embers, at best.
You may wonder if it is possible to regain genuine connection. I am a psychologist specializing in work with couples for many years and I have developed an efficient, clinically tested program that I have used successfully with couples in my practice. It is not about trying to change each other, which is a waste of time. It is about understanding each other and ourselves at a deeper level than ever before. Here is the abbreviated version in 3 steps:
1. Set up a weekly appointment at the same day, time and place. This is going to cost you 15 minutes and pay off big! That’s right; the entire meeting will be 15 minutes. But…you are going to set aside time for yourself at least a day before the meeting and think through your feelings for the talk. You will choose any personal topic, like hurt or differences between you and your love partner whether recent or dated, and you are going to talk about it — focusing on the emotions. No blame! The pronoun is “Me” or “I”, not YOU. You will be teaching your lover about your psychology. “This is how I work and this is how I feel.” Don’t make a “legal” case, this is intimacy!
2. Included in your 5 minutes: What’s your part in the issue with your mate? Whatever happened between you there is no 100% good guy and 100% bad guy. Include your part in whatever happened. Don’t have a part? Look harder!
3. The listener does NOT interrupt. After the 5 minutes, the listener validates the speaker’s feelings. No, not by saying, “I understand,” but by demonstrating your understanding just expressed to your partner’s satisfaction. Don’t confuse validating with agreeing. Then switch, the listener becomes the speaker, also talking about his or her feelings in the same manner. Don’t change your agenda to reply to what your partner just said. Once again, No blaming!
Then it is done. What, no talking about it? No, it is going to be like going to a workout — -this one is strengthening your ability to contain your partner’s feelings because they may differ from yours forever. You are different people and different people have differences, make peace with that!
Oh, you insist on continuing your 15-Minute conference? Sure, that can be your agenda for your next Emotional Conference, same day, time and place next week.
Are you skeptical? I was too, but I did it every week for 2 years and it changed everything, for the better!
Still skeptical? I put the detailed plan in The 15-Minute Relationship Fix: A Clinically Proven Strategy That Will Repair and Strengthen Your Love Life. In the book you’ll find my email address. I’d love to answer any further questions you might have and to hear your success stories after applying the book to your relationship.
Joel Block, PhD, author of The 15-Minute Relationship Fix: A Clinically-Proven Strategy That Will Repair And Strengthen Your Love Life, is a clinical psychologist specializing in treating couples, is a diplomate of the American Board of Professional Psychology and an assistant clinical professor of psychology/psychiatry at the Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell. He is a senior psychologist on the staff of the Northwell Health System and a fellow of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Block has written more than twenty books on love and sex, and has had several TV appearances, including national morning news shows.
For more information, please visit www.drblock.com
