There are, in effect, two emotional realities in most couples, his and hers. Most researchers concede that boys and girls are brought up in divergent ways, taught different skills, rewarded for diverse acts. Witness some discriminating reactions to male and female children: A shy little girl is considered cute; a shy boy is thought of as a sissy. A frightened girl is comforted; a boy is admonished to act like a man. Girls are allowed comfortably to kiss each other and to cry openly without shame; boys who even touch each other had better be “horsing around,” and crying is done only at the expense of ridicule. Boys enjoy less time on a parent’s lap, even if they have hurt themselves; girls are encouraged to share their feelings, especially if hurt.
But most of us know if a love relationship is going to succeed and flourish it must be nourished by honest, emotionally open and considerate exchanges. Research shows that a vibrant relationship requires sharing one’s inner life; it is not optional. Love is a heart-to-heart affair. Unfortunately, instead of fighting for this intimacy, many people withdraw when they don’t get the response they want. Withdrawal is the kiss of death in a love partnership. But by way of varying social conditioning and quite likely differing biological wiring, men and woman deal with their emotional lives differently.
Moving further apart certainly is not the answer; neither is trying to hide our true selves in an effort to be safe. Those tactics only create frustration and anguish. To make matters worse, as if it is a cruel trick, the onset of the conflict does not occur during the ecstasy of the honeymoon period, but afterwards, when commitment has been made and lovers’ hearts have become entwined. What are lovers to do?
*If relationships are going to succeed on an emotional level, men are going to have to stretch, since by way of socialization and biology they are not naturally suited for feelings being the basis of their interaction. Make it a point to start some sentences with, “I feel” and actually fill in feelings not just thoughts.
*Women must also stretch, primarily by not taking the difference in this important aspect of their relationship personally. It is not about them, it is about the different ways men and women interact. That is the point, it is not that men don’t want closeness, they simply approach it differently.
While there are differences between the sexes that widen the gulf between men and women on the plane of openness and self-disclosure, there is also a side to this that both sexes experience. As one man said, “Real openness is taking off the mask that we wear in our daily lives.” Taking off the mask is an exciting prospect, at some level all of us want to be accepted for who we truly are, not some facade that we have learned to put on to fit others’ vision. The most satisfying relationships by all accounts are those where we can be ourselves without fear of reprisal. Truly, most of us hunger to be accepted for who we are, without pretense.
When we are with someone with whom we feel emotionally safe it is not only relaxing it is rejuvenating. It is as if we have been injected with a feel-good drug. Of course, the other side of this experience—the side that discourages both men and women–is the risk involved. The question comes up, sometimes not quite consciously: Is the real me lovable?
What if I let it all hang out and I am rejected? That’s a frightening prospect for anyone, male or female. It suggests that we are all shaky about how lovable we are, and being found undesirable is a gruesome experience that is reminiscent of a child’s fear of abandonment. And the fear of abandonment, of being found undesirable, appears to be equally distributed between men and women.
So, is love a risk? Of course, it is a path best taken by adults, and that is not a reference to age, it is about maturity, judgment and courage as well as compassion.
Joel Block, PhD, author of The 15-Minute Relationship Fix: A Clinically-Proven Strategy That Will Repair And Strengthen Your Love Life, is a clinical psychologist specializing in treating couples, is a diplomat of the American Board of Professional Psychology and an assistant clinical professor of psychology/psychiatry at the Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell. He is a senior psychologist on the staff of the Northwell Health System and a fellow of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Block has written more than twenty books on love and sex, and has had several TV appearances, including national morning news shows.
For more information, please visit www.drblock.com
Joel Block, PhD, author of The 15-Minute Relationship Fix: A Clinically-Proven Strategy That Will Repair And Strengthen Your Love Life, is a clinical psychologist specializing in treating couples, is a diplomate of the American Board of Professional Psychology and an assistant clinical professor of psychology/psychiatry at the Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell. He is a senior psychologist on the staff of the Northwell Health System and a fellow of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Block has written more than twenty books on love and sex, and has had several TV appearances, including national morning news shows.
For more information, please visit www.drblock.com
