Isn’t sex supposed to be easy and fun? Well, yeah, except when it isn’t! Sex can get stressful, anxiety provoking, and negative when it seems to go badly. Worry about how sex is going makes it difficult for it to go well, since negative thoughts are a distraction and a buzz kill. In fact, as I detailed in my book, Sex Without Stress, if sex ends in disappointment on a somewhat regular basis, it’s common to start avoiding sexual experiences altogether. It’s hard to look forward to sex if you expect to fail.
There is a lot of pressure on men to be sexually experienced, proficient, and confident. In my sex therapy practice, I see men of all ages who struggle to live up to the expectations they have for themselves (and that their partners may have for them, as well). The result is often performance anxiety – tension and fear around how sex is going, how big or hard your penis is, how long you can last, and how much you are pleasing your partner. If you’re caught up in your thoughts of worry and dread, you aren’t being present with your partner or the physical sensations of the encounter you’re having, making it even more difficult to get or stay aroused.
If you are having issues with sexual arousal (trouble getting or maintaining an erection), it is important to rule out medical conditions that could be causing them. Heart disease, diabetes, medication side effects, and more can cause you to have trouble with erectile function. Even though you may not struggle with erections in masturbation or you still wake with a morning hard-on, you still may have medical issues that cause just enough trouble that sex with a partner becomes difficult. Once you rule out physical complications, though, it’s important to work on taking the pressure off your sexual encounters so that you can focus on what’s important: pleasure and connection.
Be open with your partner
While it may be hard to be honest about your struggles, it’s easiest to overcome the anxiety by working as a team. Your partner(s) need to have realistic expectations about sex, and they need to support you in focusing on the sex you’re having rather than the sex you wish you were having. If they’ve taken your difficulties personally, as though they aren’t desirable enough, that’s added to the pressure you’ve been feeling. Talk about the expectations you each have. Agree to take some time to be sexual while letting go of any goal or outcome. Practice being relaxed and enjoying what you’re doing without worrying about what’s not happening right now.
Take the pressure off
Your focus on whether you have an erection or whether you’re lasting long enough is increasing the pressure you feel and is undermining your ability to have and give pleasure. The key is to take the pressure off your encounter and focus on the things you can do together. Explore the wide variety of things you can enjoy together without needing an erection. Become a master of oral sex. Use toys and fingers.
Be selfish
A large part of performance anxiety stems from worry about your partner. Are they having a good time? Are you living up to their expectations? Are they happy? Spending so much energy concerned about them means that you aren’t present with your own experience and your own sensations. This makes it harder to respond sexually. The answer is to focus more on yourself. Make sure to spend time on your pleasure, too! Don’t give up on receiving pleasure just because you struggle to keep an erection or because you take too long or too short a time to orgasm. Your nerve endings all still work, so delight in the sensations that you enjoy. By taking your eye off the performance of your penis, you can have sex that cannot fail. And once that pressure is off, your penis is more likely to do what you want, anyway.
Consider seeing a sex therapist
It can be difficult to make these mental shifts and let go of the expectations we have for ourselves. And it can be difficult for your partner to embrace these ideas, even if you do. If you continue to struggle, consider finding a certified sex therapist to help. We are trained to work with couples to improve communication, to uncover (and correct) expectations, and to provide real world suggestions to help you to transform your sex life into something that’s fulfilling to both of you.
