There is an increasing body of research that tells us how to "fireproof" a marriage. People have long labored under false ideas about what it takes to form and then sustain a long-term, loving relationship. Some people have the idea that they must find a "soul mate," one person who is destined to meet their needs. Current research shows that while we do need someone who connects with us emotionally, good marriages are not written in the stars. Instead, they are created by our ability to connect: a skill that can be learned and improved upon.
Dating services frequently stress the importance of compatibility, but compatibility has more to do with forming a relationship than with keeping one going. We break up when we are unable to deal with the negatives in the marriage. In other words, it's not the problems themselves that kill the marriage, but our inability to cope effectively with the problems. This inability is essentially the result of habits that erode the foundation of the connection in the marriage.
Recent research indicates that the wish to have a close, emotional connection with others is a fundamental human need. If that deep intimate connection is not present in our marriage, we will grow unhappy, dissatisfied, and perhaps look elsewhere for that need to be fulfilled.
Click on the next page to see a few tips on how to fireproof your marriage:
1. Translate your spouse's complaints about you as a desire for a closer connection. For example, an argument about how much time a husband spends at the office is probably really about a loss of emotional intimacy.
2. Maintain other emotional connections with friends and family. If your spouse has to meet all of your emotional needs, the burden can be excessive and can strain the marriage.
3. Keep regular contacts with your spouse by phone, e-mail, or even notes to indicate your desire to have an ongoing, emotional connection.
4. You cannot rely on your partner "knowing" that you love her. Marriages need continual displays of caring. As those diminish, so does marital satisfaction.
5. Go to a marriage counselor if your partner suggests it. Research shows that most people experience marital unhappiness for seven years before seeking help. Waiting this long makes it far less likely that the counseling will be helpful.
6. You don't always have to agree with everything your spouse says, but it is important that you make sure she feels like you're listening to her and that you consider her opinion to be valid. If your partner feels rejected by you, you're lighting the fire of divorce.
7. Don't become a workaholic unless you want to be divorced. We all need to feel that we are valued more than our spouse's job.
8. If you have children, you still need to emphasize the emotional connection with your spouse. Otherwise, you'll make it much more likely that your kids will grow up in a single-parent home.
9. Don't complain about your partner to your family and friends. While it may feel cathartic, it will reinforce your negative feelings about your spouse.
10. Good sexual relationships are the result of good emotional connections. Don't expect Viagra or other sexual enhancements to fix an ailing marriage.
11. Don't have an affair. Recognize that it's difficult to maintain intimacy in any relationship. Affairs provide the illusion that a close relationship is just around the corner. Keeping the closeness is much harder than finding it. Most affairs end with great damage to all parties.
These are a few ways to maintain a healthy, happy marriage.
Contributing Writer
Sam J. Buser, Ph.D. &
Glenn F. Sternes, Ph.D.
Excerpted in part from
The Guys-Only Guide to Getting Over Divorce and on with Life, Sex, and Relationships
Pinstripe Magazine Staff
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